Correspondence Critique

From:   XXX on behalf of SCI Events  Sent:   Tue 8/26/2008 10:19 AM  To:     Cc:     Subject:   Science CBLC Recruitment    Attachments:  View As Web Page

Hi!   Looking for a place where you could make friends that will last a lifetime? Or perhaps a place for you to destress after a hectic day in school? Science CBLC (Computer Based Learning Centre) is the club for you. We are having our recruitment drive (only for FoS and SoC students though) till this fri (29/08). Interviews will start at 6pm everyday till 8pm. Don't worry! Interviews are just a way for us to know you better! So come down quickly to our center at s10 level 2, just directly above LT23. Don't hesitate to drop by our booth in our very own IT fair iTCh'08 (25/08-27/08) should you have any queries or doubts. Bring a friend along! Be a member of our family where we treasure bond and team spirit - one club, one heart!    Cheers, ZZZ YYY (zzyys@hotmail.com) President Sci CBLC XXst Management Committee

 

The opening line and the use of language was courteous and friendly as this was an email sent to fellow students in the Faculty of Science.  

I felt that this letter was not informative enough. Firstly, the subject showed that it was about recruiting members for the CBLC Club. However, it instead went on to tell details about the Recruitment Drive that was going to be held, it did not state what the exact duties of a member in the CBLC were, the expectations of a club member, nor did it even state what the CBLC is for and why people should want to join it apart from making friends.  This meant that the email was not complete.

Also, the flow of the information given to the reader was not cohesive. The email merely jumped from saying that they were having a recruitment drive to the next sentence which explained that interviews were ongoing everyday as well. This would have left others confused about whether it was a recruitment drive or an interview cum recruitment drive. I think what it was trying to say was that people could sign up at their booth for interview slots which were on going on the same days of the Recruitment Drive. This would have improved the coherence of the letter if they had phrased it this way instead.

Secondly, I felt that the presentation of the email was not clear; everything was lumped together in a paragraph. Such an email should have been properly paragraphed as it would have caused the reader to lose interest upon reading such a cluttered message. The date and venue of a recruitment drive should have been in another paragraph after the introduction. Details of the person to contact if there were interested interviewees should have been in the following paragraph alongside the venue, date and time of the interview place.

However, despite all of the above comments, I did feel that they brought across a very light hearted message with regards to recruiting their new members while trying their best to entice students to join their club. Basically, the email presented above would have been sufficient, concise and complete had the subject matter been about the Recruitment Drive instead of plain recruiting.